Singapore Citizen Journalism 新闻前线

May 29, 2012

再见妈妈 Good Bye ,Mom..

Filed under: Uncategorized — hkboh @ 5:09 pm

妈妈再见

15-April 2011

Hi everybody, i would like to say a few words to remember my mother.

Koh Ai Tee, my mom was a kind hearted and brave lady. She would love me and my father, always putting ahead our needs over hers. She is selfless to the point where she’ll rather suffer, be insulted or misunderstood for her good intentions.
She has a brave heart. I remember the story told by my dad about this one time when they were on holiday in Sweden. A big-sized American man threatened dad and mocked him thinking he was a Japanese soldier. Small sized as she was, mom rushed to my dad’s defiance and used her head to butt the fellow’s chest. My father will always recount that story as an example of how mom would put everybody’s need ahead of herself.

My mother is a faithful Christian. For her physically weak body, she makes up by having a tough and strong mentality. On top of that, she places so much faith and hope in God. Through the course of the past year, mother underwent so much injections, chemotherapy, radiology and different drug change. Strong as she was, her body is still very human, and a physical body is so very limited in this temporal world.

Mother often wondered what lesson is God trying to teach her? Could it be she hasn’t been a good witness to her faith? At her darkest moment, i remember seeing her cry out “My God has disappeared, my God has disappeared.” That was very heartbreaking for dad and I. And yet after a while, mom would have willed herself and absolutely convinced herself that God is in control. Jesus loves her. And then we would hum the children song. “Jesus loves all the children, all the children in the world….” A simple children hymn, which is my mom, always childlike, always faithful. When she was slipping in and out of consciousness, father whispered to her “Do you know i love you a lot, a lot?” She said “You don’t even have to say it, I already know, but love God first then me and Wei.” She said that during her most difficult moments. I often wonder where she gets her faith from. Her anguish and pain is very real, but friends, so is her faith. Right to the end.

I am thankful that God allowed us enough time to say our goodbyes, twice in fact. When she was last warded, and doctors told us we only have a few weeks left. Since then, i have had heart-to-heart conversations with mom. This was something hard to do in an Asian culture. Where love is not outwardly expressed. Yet it is very important to say the words that matter. So I had an idea, to write letters to mom in a journal, she would write me back. To and fro, our correspondence nearly filled an entire book.

All through my adult life, i never really allowed my parents to fully participate in my search for my identity, and purpose in life. A struggle with my faith is also something very personal and i would wrestle my own demons and deliberately exclude my parents from the process. How i grow in the Lord is also a different experience as what my mom and dad went through. Although so, they’ve always taken little bits and pieces of time to show me how God has been gracious and good to our family since young. Mother said she has been praying for me even I was born. She prayed for her future husband, and God sent her my dad.

I have been placed in such a loving family who gives me the space to grow, to make my own mistakes and learn from them. God says “I am love.” But what does that mean for us? And then i look at Dad and Mom’s unfailing care and love for each other and i am convinced there is no better place for me to learn that than here, with Dad and Mom.

Mom would encourage me to talk to God about every little thing. She said that she always prayed for my future wife. And so, time will tell how that turns out.

I am thankful that i get to promise my mother that i will never let go of my faith, though we all have our own disillusions with Christianity and in God every once so often, i assured her that i will always remember my roots. Brothers, sisters and friends, people that i love, and who love me back, i am also counting on you to hold me to that promise.

I am thankful that i get to hug my mother, kiss my mother, hold her hands and tell her that i love her and even though she said not to be sad and to miss her, Dad and I will miss her very much.

God is good, even through our darkest moments; he has sent countless friends to support us. For food, for companionship, for heart-to-heart conversations. We have never been in want. You know individually who you are. My father and I are very thankful. Perhaps a reminder that God does not only exist in church, along the pews or over communion. Our God is an infinite God who is in the big things right down to the tiniest details. Your care and concern is one of those. God is also evident in my mom’s life. Her selflessness, love and gentle heart. There is still good in this world, it is with a heavy heart to say that my father and I have lost one of those who are good, and is beautiful today.

Thank you all for listening.

 

莫泽威分享

 

 

再见,妈妈。。

 

嗨,大家好,我想讲几句话,记念我的母亲。( 15/4/2011)

许爱治,是我的妈妈。她是一个善良和勇敢的妈妈。她爱我和我的父亲,她始终都满足供应我们的需要。她是无私的,她宁愿受苦,被侮辱或被人误解了她的好意。


她有一颗勇敢善良的心。我记得爸爸告诉我一个故事,当他们在瑞典度假时,一个高大的美国男子威胁着父亲,并嘲笑他,认为他是一个二战战败日本兵的后代。。瘦小的妈妈,感觉到我爸被蔑视,用她的头对准那家伙的胸部撞去。。我的父亲经常总是会述说这个故事,说妈妈如何把我们的需要胜过于她自己的需要。。

我的母亲是一位虔诚的基督徒。她的身体虽然虚弱瘦小,但是她面对艰难的事时,有着强大的心态和意志力。最重要的是,她把自己的信仰和对上帝的盼望,通过对过去一年的过程中,都充份的表现 出来。。母亲病时经历了这么多的注射,化疗,放射和对着不同的药物影响变化,她的身体已是受不了。。。但因为她凭着是强大的意志,那是人性化和一个肉体在这个时空世界是非常有限的。。她最后差点崩溃!

爸对我说,母亲经常在想,是上帝试图对她有什么教训?道是她一直没有一个很好的见证和信心不够?在她最黑暗的时刻,我记得我看到她哭了,“ 我的上帝已经消失,已经消失了,我的上帝你在哪里?。。”这是很心痛的一段时刻,爸爸和妈妈会任性绝对相信自己是在神控制中。。因为耶稣爱她。然后我们会一起哼唱妈喜欢的儿歌: 耶稣爱世界上所有的孩子,所有的孩子……”这是一首简单的儿童赞美歌。。这就是我的妈妈。她总是很孩子气,她总是很忠实。。当她的意识和体力开始滑落时,父亲低声对她的        “你知道我爱你很多,很多吗?”她说:“你不说出来,我已经知道,但要爱上帝,然后才爱我和阿威。。”这是在她最困难的时刻所说的话。。我常想,在那里她得到了她信仰的保证。她的痛苦是非常真实的,但是,朋友们,这是她坚持的信仰。。一直到她生命的结束。。。

我感谢上帝让我们有足够的时间向妈妈说再见,在她最后一次入院时,医生告诉我们,妈妈只有几个星期的生命了。。从那时起,我和妈妈开始心以心的交谈。。这是亚洲文化的东西很难做到的。然而在这个时候如果我爱妈妈而又不能向妈妈表示的话。。再不说的话,是永远再也没机会了。。时间是非常紧急的。所以我有一个想法,写日记,用册子,和笔写信给妈妈,她也写回信给我。。来来回回,我们的信件几乎占满了整本书。。

在所有通过我生命成长的岁月过程中,我从来没有真正应许让我的父母充分参与我的生活,和让他们知道我倒底在做些什么,或知道我对生命的目的和意义何在。。我对信仰的斗争也是很个人的东西,我把自己的人生当为是一个与恶魔搏斗的过程,我刻意地排除我的父母。。我如何在主的成长也是我爸爸和妈妈经历了不同的人生经验所影响。虽然如此,他们一直采取忍耐,低调,和让时间来证明给我看,看神怎样以爱和恩典建立我们的家庭。。母亲说,她一直为我祈祷,即使我出生那个时刻,她已开始为我祷告。。她也说她那个时候一直祈祷为着她未来的丈夫。。而上帝后来把她送给了我的爸爸。。

我其实已被上帝放置在这样一个充满爱的家庭,他们给我的成长空间,使我看到自己的错误,并从他们身上学到许多的事物。。上帝说“我就是爱。”但是,那是什么意思?是对我们吗?然而我看着爸爸和妈妈始终如一的互相关怀和对彼此的爱,我相信我没有更好的地方可以学习得到,只在这里,在爸爸和妈妈的身上。。。

妈妈常常鼓励我谈论神如何在我身上所行的每一件小事。她说,她总是对我未来的妻子祈祷。等等,时间会告诉我神将来如何在我人生道路上去成就祂对我的旨意。。

我很感激上帝,因为我答应我的母亲,我永远不会放弃我的信仰,虽然我们自己有时候对基督教和上帝存有的幻灭的思想,但我向妈妈保证,我会永远记得我们的根,我们是建立在上帝爱的基础上。。还有我亲爱的弟兄们,姐妹和朋友们,我所爱的人,以及爱我的人,我还指望请你们抓我一把,帮我守住这一个承诺。。

我很感激上帝,我得到了母亲的拥抱,亲吻妈妈,握住她的手,告诉她我爱她,即使她对我说,不要难过和想念她,但是爸爸和我会非常想念她的。。。

上帝是好的,甚至通过我们最黑暗的时刻,他已派出无数的朋友来支持我们。不断供应食物,心对心的陪伴着我们谈话。这是我们从来没有想得到 的。你们心里清楚知道我在讲的“你”是谁。。我父亲和我心里都非常感激你们。这也是提醒我们,神不只是存在教堂里,在座位或高高在上的崇拜里。。而是,我们的神是无限的上帝,祂无所不在,从大的事情到最微小的细节。。您们的关心和照顾就是其中之一。上帝在我妈的生活例子中也很明显,她对生活的热爱,无私的爱和温柔的心。在这个世界上虽然仍然有好多好多美好的事物,但是我以一个很沉重的心情对你们说,今天父亲和我已经失去了一个最好的和最美丽妈妈的过去。

谢谢你们耐心的听。

 

莫泽威。  粗糙翻译:莫泰驹2012年六月一日

 

 

 

 

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2012年守岁分享

Filed under: Uncategorized — hkboh @ 5:04 pm

2012 年 守岁 分享

。。我们爱,因为上帝先爱我们。。

当我回头看看,2009年到今年下半年来,我实在感到惊讶,我不晓得我到底如何有力量走过来的?每天替爱爱打针,每个星期陪爱爱到医院化疗,乘坐救伤车从这个医院到另一间医院去电疗。。奔波于三个不同的医院,治疗三个不同的病。。。老实说,到现在我还是无法接受这个事实。

新的一年带来了新的希望,很多感谢神恩典的事。但是我无法真正感受到这欢乐的气氛,因为我经历人生最痛苦的时刻。亲爱的亲人都离开了人间,患病,消沉,忧郁还是无法离开我。。有时心悲从中来,说,这些快乐不属于我的。。但是神答应,祂的慈爱和信实不会离开个我们。。(希13;5)。不管前面道路如何,不管以往怎么样,祂对我们的计划确实是不变的!
不管是上帝的旨意如何,我决定融合自己的心意而进入上帝的旨意当中。

看过一本书这么写:自怜是信任上帝的大敌,是致命伤。但是当你的勇气从心灵的窗口飞了出去的时候,并且周遭的世界突然变得黑暗阴险时,自怜已变成了一个无法避免的自然反应。如果我拼命压制这个反应,我会让自己心力憔碎。经历告诉我,没有对付自怜的有效方法。我当然可以装作更属灵,伪装着情绪,进入教堂,然而这样子的做法是否认了自己的人性,根本行不通。因为我不是属灵的机器人,而是有血有肉,而且有感性的人。。所以一些弟兄姐妹可能碰过我在他们面前大掉男人的眼泪。失礼!失礼。。虽然说是堂堂男儿眼泪不轻弹。。

然而,我确实知道,自怜会残害我,会毁掉我对上帝的信心,情绪化的时候,我恳求上帝赐恩,限制我自怜的时间,若是有需要,我会好好偷偷的哭一场,接下去我会专注生命中还是有美好的事物,好像那些来探访我的人,我会听到更多的事情,还有那些我的伙伴们。

我要努力不容许自己所发生的一切,心里产生更多的自怜,每天早晨,一点点,掉几滴泪也就够了。。我希望能够做到.

感谢上帝对我们的爱,感谢上帝的恩典,感谢上帝给我们盼望,感谢上帝赐生命中玫瑰有刺,感谢上帝赐生命中有春夏秋冬,感谢上帝祷告不应允,感谢上帝赐下平安喜乐。。感谢上帝赐予弟兄姐妹的爱心 . . 。。
感谢祂直到永永远远,天荒地老。。让我们毫不留情的信任上帝,让我们拒绝以完美的辩才代替自己个人对上帝的委身。。荣耀归于阿爸父神 .

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